Okay, so I have decided in the past week to make a very important decision: i am stopping my medication, ALL OF THEM (the last few narcotics). I have done this many times before on my own accord with previous heavy narcotics I have been on. What prompted this decision is the fact that I already don’t take them the way that I should because I forget and we have weened me down pretty low as is. It seems like this weening process has been taking forever and I am over it. I didn’t want to continue with that, so my only other option was to go ‘cold turkey’ and just stop and that ended up being the decision I made. I felt as if with God by my side I am strong enough to do it. Now it isn’t easy, let me tell ya. I have woken up with shakes every morning for the past week, my breathing feels uneasy and I have the worst sensation of pain running through my body. You have no idea how this is for me, how many times I just wanted to reach for the morphine for relief. But I decided to stick with it because that is my only way to get off of it since we having some issues with getting a prescription written and I was running out of medication.
I felt so dependent on them. Even when I didn’t necessarily need them I felt as I had to have them. I hated the fact that they changed my mood and how I acted, as soon as I took a morphine, everything changed. An being in school made it even harder, I walk through halls half present and half out of it. It made it hard to focus on my school work and be present/participate in school. I decided enough was enough, I control my life. Changes needed to be made and I needed to do it on my own accord. If I was forced into this then I would not have been able to do it, the motivation and determination wouldn’t be there and i’d slip back into that cycle of “i need, i need, i need”. Ultimately this was my choice and I feel like it was something that needed to be done.
Lately, my shoulder has been hurting because I pushed it too far. I think I was rushing things and taking my time to properly stretch it out. It doesn’t help that I don’t go to PT because of some issues. I am left on my own to work it out and have been pushing it too far. I just need to slow down and take it one day at a time. I was so worried that I messed something in my shoulder up, but I grabbed a verse (from my scripture jar a friend made me) that reminded of something. It reads, “The LORD, your God will be with you always. Joshua 1:9” I know God will take care of me. He will never leave me. He knows my pain and he gives me the strength to get through it. HE isn’t only the God of my triumphs, but the God of my struggles as well.
Yesterday, I came home from school and my mom said she had something for me. She pointed to T.V. stand where there was a clear bag. I was confused about what it was until, I realized that it was……MY PORT! I was so excited! It is a memory I get to keep. It symbolizes all I have went through and the end of a part of my journey. IT IS SO AMAZING! God is good, and I am so thankful that he has been by my side. As well as giving me my family to walk this journey with me.
Yay! My port is out! I went in yesterday afternoon for the surgery. I was a bit nervous, but the excitement took over. This is a huge step in my journey! It to me, signifies the end, like the real end. I am so happy and thankful to all the people who have walked this journey with me. An the people who have encouraged me and lifted me up. Everyone who has fought right along side me, especially my family who has never left me! All the glory goes to God! In him anything is possible, you just need to believe and put your faith in him! “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.” Philippians 4:13
Pictures – (top: after surgery; bottom: before surgery with a stuffed animal the lady who got me settled gave me)
Pictures – (My family and I waiting in the waiting room to be called back; top: me, mom, & sister; bottom: dad and brother)
Everyone please say a prayer for me. I have been feeling really bad this past week and today. As well as being in a lot of pain. ??I just need prayers, please and thank you! I give all of my pain and sick feelings to God and will let him handle it.
Last night I went to one of my first big outtings in A WHILE! I got free tickets to go to a concert thrown by Fresh Empire that featured DJ So Hype and Miss Mulatto. My sister and I were screaming when the guy told us about the tickets in the first place. I was so excited about it that when I got home, that that night I ordered tickets for my sister, a couple friends, and I to go.
Well it was last night and I had a blast! We danced A LOT, took pictures, listened to Miss Mulatto, and overal enjoyed ourselves! I stood and danced all night long. Mind you this was the longest I have stood for in a while. It didn’t start until 8 and went until 11. As well as danced. I barely danced at my 8th grade dance and was in a wheelchair at Homecoming last year, so I was proud of myself for dancing for that long. I was very proud of myself, my first big outting in a long time. God works in wonderful ways! I thankhim for giving me the strength and energy to get through last night! I also want to thank Fresh Empire for doing this for us teens! Something awesome for us to do instead of being out on the streets all night getting into trouble.
In Photography Class, these past 2 weeks we have been working on soming she called “The Theory of Life”. Basically, we had to create a 3 by 4 collage of pictures that expressed the words below it. After you put it all together, it would be a story. You could write about anything, but I chose to write a short story about my journey. Here is a picture of the final product…….
I am so proud of it and everyone likes it. I love the facial expressions and the story. I am so proud of myself, I worked hard on it, it was more complicated than you think.
Friday I had a cancer doctor appointment. Everything looked great, but I got so excited when…… Arlene, my mom, and I talked about getting my Port out!!!!! Talk about EXCITING!!!!
So I know you guys probably read my Wheelchair Raint a little while back, I have an update on that.
For the past 3 weeks I have been walking in school and not using the wheelchair. My wheelchair went out the Sunday before the day I was supposed to go to school. It just gave out. I decided that I would just walk around the school but use the elevator. I wasn’t going to push myself, but I knew I could do it. After the frst day,I felt great. My parents found someone that xould fix the chair but I wanted to walk. I told them I’d pray over it and see what I wanted to do. I felt God telling me to do it amd not to limit myself. That I needed to trust in him and myself, not to doubt him or let anyone doubt me. Ever since then, I have been walking in school. A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME!!
I strongly dislike being in this electric wheelchair!!! All I want to do is walk! Many people take something as simple as walking for granted. I’m tired of being in this chair. I just want to walk around school, to the store, to the park etc. I want to get my strength back and walk. I am bound to this chair and I don’t like it. Due to the AVN caused by the steroids and Cancer treatments I can’t walk long distances. I don’t like being in a wheelchair. I want to walk anywhere and everywhere like everyone else. It is so simple, but so important to me. At almost 16 years old (In October) I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with this.
Even though this post is short, thank you for letting me rant about how I feel.