Okay, so I have decided in the past week to make a very important decision: i am stopping my medication, ALL OF THEM (the last few pain meds). I have done this many times before on my own accord with previous heavy medications I have been on. What prompted this decision is the fact that I already don’t take them the way that I should because I forget and we have weened me down pretty low as is. It seems like this weening process has been taking forever and I am over it. I didn’t want to continue with that, so my only other option was to go ‘cold turkey’ and just stop and that ended up being the decision I made. I felt as if with God by my side I am strong enough to do it. Now it isn’t easy, let me tell ya. I have woken up with shakes every morning for the past week, my breathing feels uneasy and I have the worst sensation of pain running through my body. You have no idea how this is for me, how many times I just wanted to reach for the morphine for relief. But I decided to stick with it because that is my only way to get off of it since we having some issues with getting a prescription written and I was running out of medication.
I felt so dependent on them. Even when I didn’t necessarily need them I felt as I had to have them. I hated the fact that they changed my mood and how I acted, as soon as I took a morphine, everything changed. An being in school made it even harder, I walk through halls half present and half out of it. It made it hard to focus on my school work and be present/participant in school. I decided enough was enough, I control my life. Changes needed to be made and I needed to do it on my own accord. If I was forced into this then I would not have been able to do it, the motivation and determination wouldn’t be there and i’d slip back into that cycle of “i need, i need, i need”. Ultimately this was my choice and I feel like it was something that needed to be done.
So like I have said before, my surgery went well, but afterwards, I ended up with an abscess. Which than caused my whole incision to open up. I was put on antibiotics to clear that up which it did, thank God. After that whole thing happened, my incision had trouble healing back up. So we were on watch for that and were going to the doctor every 1-2 weeks. Well now, my incision is looking good and the bone graft that they did is settling in well.
It is always nerve wracking and scary when you go in for surgery because there can always be complications. I thank God for keeping his arms around all the doctors, nurses, and anyone who came in contact with me. He knew what he was doing when he had all those doctors and nurses lined up to work on.
I have been doing weight bearing and walking around quite a bit, no more walker/crutches or full leg brace. Although, I am still in a wheelchair during school because my mom doesn’t want me doing a full day of walking yet. Maybe in another month or so I can start trying to do a full day of walking since I can walk around in the grocery store now. Its all about timing. I give it up to God and when he thinks I am ready he will let us know.
Sorry I have been absent for a couple days, I have been recovering from surgery. By the way, everything went amazing! For those who don’t know why I had surgery, I will explain..
Because of the cancer treatments and steroids they gave me, I got something called a vascular necrosis. Which essentially means my bones are dying. I have it in both my knees and my shoulder. In 2015, we had a bone graph done on my right knee. This winter, they did the exact same thing on my left knee. And then, my shoulder ended up collapsing so we had to replace it in 2016.
Back to the surgery update.. I have been doing well since surgery. I am on a pain plan to help combat surgery pain as well as my regular pain. Although, my foot and my ankle are pretty swollen. We talked to the doctor and we are elevating it in a different way now that should help as well as icing. If it gets worse though, we will go to the ER straight away. But as of right now, we are working with our first plan.
Another thing I wanted to say was thank you for all your guys constant prayers and support. I feel as your guys love! Thank you so so so much! PLEASE continue to pray for a speedy recovery and healing.
On June 24,
I went to the DMV to take my permit test. I have taken before and failed by just a little bit, so I was so nervous and anxious. BUT GUESS WHAT!! I passed, I am so proud of myself. I really owe thanks to my family for believing in me, because I really wasn’t sure if I could do this..
Also, June 24th marked my one year after my shoulder replacement surgery. I am so thankful to Dr. Kam for all he has done for me. He is an amazing doctor. An I am so thankful to have had him as my doctor.
Lately, my shoulder has been hurting because I pushed it too far. I think I was rushing things and taking my time to properly stretch it out. It doesn’t help that I don’t go to PT because of some issues. I am left on my own to work it out and have been pushing it too far. I just need to slow down and take it one day at a time. I was so worried that I messed something in my shoulder up, but I grabbed a verse (from my scripture jar a friend made me) that reminded of something. It reads, “The LORD, your God will be with you always. Joshua 1:9” I know God will take care of me. He will never leave me. He knows my pain and he gives me the strength to get through it. HE isn’t only the God of my triumphs, but the God of my struggles as well.
As of February 20th, it has been 4 years since my diagnosis of Pre-B cell ALL Leukemia.
I would like to thank my family for always being by my side fighting this battle with me. This diagnosis didnt onmy affect me, but the closest people around me as well.
I also want to thank God for guiding ne and giving me the strength to fight the battle.
Without God and my family by my side, I dont know how I would be able to handle this.
Everyone please say a prayer for me. I have been feeling really bad this past week and today. As well as being in a lot of pain. ??I just need prayers, please and thank you! I give all of my pain and sick feelings to God and will let him handle it.
Last night I went to one of my first big outtings in A WHILE! I got free tickets to go to a concert thrown by Fresh Empire that featured DJ So Hype and Miss Mulatto. My sister and I were screaming when the guy told us about the tickets in the first place. I was so excited about it that when I got home, that that night I ordered tickets for my sister, a couple friends, and I to go.
Well it was last night and I had a blast! We danced A LOT, took pictures, listened to Miss Mulatto, and overal enjoyed ourselves! I stood and danced all night long. Mind you this was the longest I have stood for in a while. It didn’t start until 8 and went until 11. As well as danced. I barely danced at my 8th grade dance and was in a wheelchair at Homecoming last year, so I was proud of myself for dancing for that long. I was very proud of myself, my first big outting in a long time. God works in wonderful ways! I thankhim for giving me the strength and energy to get through last night! I also want to thank Fresh Empire for doing this for us teens! Something awesome for us to do instead of being out on the streets all night getting into trouble.
So I know you guys probably read my Wheelchair Raint a little while back, I have an update on that.
For the past 3 weeks I have been walking in school and not using the wheelchair. My wheelchair went out the Sunday before the day I was supposed to go to school. It just gave out. I decided that I would just walk around the school but use the elevator. I wasn’t going to push myself, but I knew I could do it. After the frst day,I felt great. My parents found someone that xould fix the chair but I wanted to walk. I told them I’d pray over it and see what I wanted to do. I felt God telling me to do it amd not to limit myself. That I needed to trust in him and myself, not to doubt him or let anyone doubt me. Ever since then, I have been walking in school. A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME!!
I strongly dislike being in this electric wheelchair!!! All I want to do is walk! Many people take something as simple as walking for granted. I’m tired of being in this chair. I just want to walk around school, to the store, to the park etc. I want to get my strength back and walk. I am bound to this chair and I don’t like it. Due to the AVN caused by the steroids and Cancer treatments I can’t walk long distances. I don’t like being in a wheelchair. I want to walk anywhere and everywhere like everyone else. It is so simple, but so important to me. At almost 16 years old (In October) I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with this.
Even though this post is short, thank you for letting me rant about how I feel.