Okay, so I have decided in the past week to make a very important decision: i am stopping my medication, ALL OF THEM (the last few pain meds). I have done this many times before on my own accord with previous heavy medications I have been on. What prompted this decision is the fact that I already don’t take them the way that I should because I forget and we have weened me down pretty low as is. It seems like this weening process has been taking forever and I am over it. I didn’t want to continue with that, so my only other option was to go ‘cold turkey’ and just stop and that ended up being the decision I made. I felt as if with God by my side I am strong enough to do it. Now it isn’t easy, let me tell ya. I have woken up with shakes every morning for the past week, my breathing feels uneasy and I have the worst sensation of pain running through my body. You have no idea how this is for me, how many times I just wanted to reach for the morphine for relief. But I decided to stick with it because that is my only way to get off of it since we having some issues with getting a prescription written and I was running out of medication.
I felt so dependent on them. Even when I didn’t necessarily need them I felt as I had to have them. I hated the fact that they changed my mood and how I acted, as soon as I took a morphine, everything changed. An being in school made it even harder, I walk through halls half present and half out of it. It made it hard to focus on my school work and be present/participant in school. I decided enough was enough, I control my life. Changes needed to be made and I needed to do it on my own accord. If I was forced into this then I would not have been able to do it, the motivation and determination wouldn’t be there and i’d slip back into that cycle of “i need, i need, i need”. Ultimately this was my choice and I feel like it was something that needed to be done.
Today is my 5 year anniversary for the day I was diagnosed! It is so crazy to me to look back and see how far I’ve come. I remember the days where I used to think I wouldn’t make it or couldn’t do it anymore. Thanks to God and my amazing support system I am here today. I carry the scars of what I went through and I am proud. Proud to tell my story and proud to be able to shine a light on Childhood Cancer.
So like I have said before, my surgery went well, but afterwards, I ended up with an abscess. Which than caused my whole incision to open up. I was put on antibiotics to clear that up which it did, thank God. After that whole thing happened, my incision had trouble healing back up. So we were on watch for that and were going to the doctor every 1-2 weeks. Well now, my incision is looking good and the bone graft that they did is settling in well.
It is always nerve wracking and scary when you go in for surgery because there can always be complications. I thank God for keeping his arms around all the doctors, nurses, and anyone who came in contact with me. He knew what he was doing when he had all those doctors and nurses lined up to work on.
I have been doing weight bearing and walking around quite a bit, no more walker/crutches or full leg brace. Although, I am still in a wheelchair during school because my mom doesn’t want me doing a full day of walking yet. Maybe in another month or so I can start trying to do a full day of walking since I can walk around in the grocery store now. Its all about timing. I give it up to God and when he thinks I am ready he will let us know.
Lately, my shoulder has been hurting because I pushed it too far. I think I was rushing things and taking my time to properly stretch it out. It doesn’t help that I don’t go to PT because of some issues. I am left on my own to work it out and have been pushing it too far. I just need to slow down and take it one day at a time. I was so worried that I messed something in my shoulder up, but I grabbed a verse (from my scripture jar a friend made me) that reminded of something. It reads, “The LORD, your God will be with you always. Joshua 1:9” I know God will take care of me. He will never leave me. He knows my pain and he gives me the strength to get through it. HE isn’t only the God of my triumphs, but the God of my struggles as well.
As of February 20th, it has been 4 years since my diagnosis of Pre-B cell ALL Leukemia.
I would like to thank my family for always being by my side fighting this battle with me. This diagnosis didnt onmy affect me, but the closest people around me as well.
I also want to thank God for guiding ne and giving me the strength to fight the battle.
Without God and my family by my side, I dont know how I would be able to handle this.
Yay! My port is out! I went in yesterday afternoon for the surgery. I was a bit nervous, but the excitement took over. This is a huge step in my journey! It to me, signifies the end, like the real end. I am so happy and thankful to all the people who have walked this journey with me. An the people who have encouraged me and lifted me up. Everyone who has fought right along side me, especially my family who has never left me! All the glory goes to God! In him anything is possible, you just need to believe and put your faith in him! “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.” Philippians 4:13
Pictures – (top: after surgery; bottom: before surgery with a stuffed animal the lady who got me settled gave me)
Pictures – (My family and I waiting in the waiting room to be called back; top: me, mom, & sister; bottom: dad and brother)
Everyone please say a prayer for me. I have been feeling really bad this past week and today. As well as being in a lot of pain. ??I just need prayers, please and thank you! I give all of my pain and sick feelings to God and will let him handle it.
In Photography Class, these past 2 weeks we have been working on soming she called “The Theory of Life”. Basically, we had to create a 3 by 4 collage of pictures that expressed the words below it. After you put it all together, it would be a story. You could write about anything, but I chose to write a short story about my journey. Here is a picture of the final product…….
I am so proud of it and everyone likes it. I love the facial expressions and the story. I am so proud of myself, I worked hard on it, it was more complicated than you think.
Friday I had a cancer doctor appointment. Everything looked great, but I got so excited when…… Arlene, my mom, and I talked about getting my Port out!!!!! Talk about EXCITING!!!!
I strongly dislike being in this electric wheelchair!!! All I want to do is walk! Many people take something as simple as walking for granted. I’m tired of being in this chair. I just want to walk around school, to the store, to the park etc. I want to get my strength back and walk. I am bound to this chair and I don’t like it. Due to the AVN caused by the steroids and Cancer treatments I can’t walk long distances. I don’t like being in a wheelchair. I want to walk anywhere and everywhere like everyone else. It is so simple, but so important to me. At almost 16 years old (In October) I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with this.
Even though this post is short, thank you for letting me rant about how I feel.